spring cleaning.
letting things go:: finally decided to cut SG off. This has been a long time coming, although I kept thinking if I let him know, then maybe, just maybe it wouldn't happen. a recap: SG is a former co-worker and friend of mine. But he's a bit of an "opportunist". I knew this when I met him, but knowing the type of person I am - I can see thru shallow and won't let folks take advantage of me (silly me). Well the infractions started piling up: calling me at 3 am for a Dr's excuse for work, so he wouldn't get fired; borrowing $ and not paying back until he got good & ready (although he promised repeatedly to pay it back); telling me he wanted to go to a concert with me, I buy tickets, then he cancels at the last minute (no time for me to sell tickets); putting myself out at work trying to find him a gig in his field, by finagling an intro to a high-level exec within my Fortune 100, then finding out he's unqualified for the position (didn't see this until he finally sent me a resume - which shows no previous experience); telling me about his personal probs, yet being unavail when I need a shoulder; you get the idea.
I'd addressed this to him not long ago - told him while he thought I was his best friend - he's definitely not mine: the one-way street relationship - I give to him & get nothing in return. SO, when I got home from surgery, he promised to bring me a plate of food ('cause no way was I cooking). He sent me an email to reschedule once - then I never heard from him. NO phone calls about the no-show, NO phone calls to check & see how I'm doing - NADA! Needless to say I was done.
Well, SG lost his gig - and needed me to send him HIS resume (again, I had it 'cause I was trying to help him get that new gig a while ago - and I ended up revising it 'cause it was tooooo long. I re-sent it to him & I don't know what he did with it....). SO he starts calling me & leaving messages: "I know you're mad at me, but I really need a favor..." Ok, if you haven't done anything wrong, why would I be mad? So basically, he knew he was trifling, but wasn't even caring? I called him back & told him I have it, I ain't looking for it, because basically I'm done - and here's why... SG told me he was in the middle of something and needed to get back to me - haven't heard from him since.
school:: I'm taking the sumnmer off. With the new assignment at the gig, the courseload I've previously carried, the kids, et al...I'm burned out. I scheduled my 2 weeks of vacation - August & December. This time I’m definitely traveling somewhere!!! Even if I just drive to the nearest beach, I'm laying on my back for at least 3-5 days. I deserve it. I finally got my associate's degree. My somewhat ghetto community college finally caught up with their paperwork - so after multitudinous phone calls - they came up off this as of December 2002. My diploma's in the mail (where have I heard THAT before). Now, only 10 more classes for the bachelor's - aaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!
ok, new feature: I come across the weirdest stuff - and I must record it for posterity, hence...
ghetto item of the week:: wheelchair with gold rims
I kid you not - this kid was thugged out when ambulatory - now he's still thugged out. I wish I had my digital camera - 'cause no one believes me...hm....that's an idea =)
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
mutiny of the body.
ok..ok...ok. really, when I think about it - the way i treat my body, it should've gone on strike a looonnnnngggg time ago. But the title is cute....lol
so anyway, called my Dr, and he says I'm ok - as long as there's no fever, excessive (more than a pad per hour) bleeding, dizziness or nausea. Upped the amount of over-the-counter pain meds I can take (he said 4 Advil/Motrin - who am I to argue =)
So, Day Two back to work - and the bleeding really starts. I'm going through one super long, 4 channel with wings super maxi pad every hour. Literally. And I'm thinking if I begin to bleed even one ounce more per hour - I'm going to need Depends. In a meeting with my boss for 30 minutes - shyt! Listening to him talk, knowing I can't leave - I bleed thru the pad, panties, pantyhose and pants into the $1200 ergonomic designer chair -which fortunately is black mesh so it isn't obvious. I wrap up the meeting, run to the bathroom, handle biz & manage to go back to clean the chair before anyone notices. This sucks.
I feel as if my body is no longer my own - like my life is now controlled by my body's mood swings, willingness to allow me to live, disconnected in a weird way. I'm having an out-of-body experience - like I've slipped out of it & am hovering over it, watching this whole thing play out beneath me.
As I sit & type, I'm wearing what appears to be a wrestling champinship belt - but it consists of pain...around my pelvis, past my side and widening across my lower back. I took 3 Advil 30 minutes ago - they have yet to kick in. Meanwhile, I wait for the next wave of blood, pain, and then relief & normalcy - like a tide. In, out, in out - it comes & goes...
I am SO going to restart taking my birth control pills again this week.
ok..ok...ok. really, when I think about it - the way i treat my body, it should've gone on strike a looonnnnngggg time ago. But the title is cute....lol
so anyway, called my Dr, and he says I'm ok - as long as there's no fever, excessive (more than a pad per hour) bleeding, dizziness or nausea. Upped the amount of over-the-counter pain meds I can take (he said 4 Advil/Motrin - who am I to argue =)
So, Day Two back to work - and the bleeding really starts. I'm going through one super long, 4 channel with wings super maxi pad every hour. Literally. And I'm thinking if I begin to bleed even one ounce more per hour - I'm going to need Depends. In a meeting with my boss for 30 minutes - shyt! Listening to him talk, knowing I can't leave - I bleed thru the pad, panties, pantyhose and pants into the $1200 ergonomic designer chair -which fortunately is black mesh so it isn't obvious. I wrap up the meeting, run to the bathroom, handle biz & manage to go back to clean the chair before anyone notices. This sucks.
I feel as if my body is no longer my own - like my life is now controlled by my body's mood swings, willingness to allow me to live, disconnected in a weird way. I'm having an out-of-body experience - like I've slipped out of it & am hovering over it, watching this whole thing play out beneath me.
As I sit & type, I'm wearing what appears to be a wrestling champinship belt - but it consists of pain...around my pelvis, past my side and widening across my lower back. I took 3 Advil 30 minutes ago - they have yet to kick in. Meanwhile, I wait for the next wave of blood, pain, and then relief & normalcy - like a tide. In, out, in out - it comes & goes...
I am SO going to restart taking my birth control pills again this week.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
ode to the fibroids.
first, can I just say that since I was diagnosed, I feel like: life, interrupted. There was my life before the diagnosis, then after - both of whom have little to do with one another.
WARNING: This blog is not for the faint of heart. It will be graphic. It may be gross. Read at your own risk.
Anyway, I'm a week out from the surgery. I feel pregnant - real pregnant. About 6-8 months pregnant. For those of you who have never been so blessed, this is the part of the pregnancy where all the good stuff happens - bloating, constipation, loss of bladder control, weakness, etc. I wake up at least 2X per night, having to pee, 'cause I can't hold it. My tummy (stomach, uterus, bladder - it's all 1 big blob now) feels like it literally weighs about 15 lbs heavier than before the surgery. I'm also very bloated - it looks like I gained 10 lbs. It hurts sometimes to hold my stomach in. I have to move my bowels every morning like clockwork, and its painful - my stomach hurts, and my anus hurts. Also, I bleed everytime I have a bowel movement - so basically every morning. I bleed from my vagina and my anus. This in excess of the bleeding from the surgery. Actually, now that I think of it, I bleed more when my bladder is full as well.
So, I'm still a little scared. I should've asked more questions about recovery (if that's what this is). I have a strong suspicion that this is the beginning of a bumpy road.
first, can I just say that since I was diagnosed, I feel like: life, interrupted. There was my life before the diagnosis, then after - both of whom have little to do with one another.
WARNING: This blog is not for the faint of heart. It will be graphic. It may be gross. Read at your own risk.
Anyway, I'm a week out from the surgery. I feel pregnant - real pregnant. About 6-8 months pregnant. For those of you who have never been so blessed, this is the part of the pregnancy where all the good stuff happens - bloating, constipation, loss of bladder control, weakness, etc. I wake up at least 2X per night, having to pee, 'cause I can't hold it. My tummy (stomach, uterus, bladder - it's all 1 big blob now) feels like it literally weighs about 15 lbs heavier than before the surgery. I'm also very bloated - it looks like I gained 10 lbs. It hurts sometimes to hold my stomach in. I have to move my bowels every morning like clockwork, and its painful - my stomach hurts, and my anus hurts. Also, I bleed everytime I have a bowel movement - so basically every morning. I bleed from my vagina and my anus. This in excess of the bleeding from the surgery. Actually, now that I think of it, I bleed more when my bladder is full as well.
So, I'm still a little scared. I should've asked more questions about recovery (if that's what this is). I have a strong suspicion that this is the beginning of a bumpy road.
Sunday, April 06, 2003
a walk.
The time changed, so I was up an hour early for no apparent reason. My son & I took a walk around my apartment complex, to the rental office, and to my mailbox. I realized a few things:
Ok, so I guess the solution to all of the above (including my getting some fresh air) is obvious. Although my schedule isn't. Can my son & I get up every morning before his 7AM bus stop call & walk for at least 20 minutes? He has the energy - and I have a need...
OK, let me be honest - after a 7:15 - 9:45PM class I'm making excuses in the AM. I can't even lie. But since I've noticed that this is normally due to my 10:15PM after-class dinner, I also know this has more to do with my lethargic digestion than an actual physical tiredness.
All I can do is try - and take one baby step at a time.
The time changed, so I was up an hour early for no apparent reason. My son & I took a walk around my apartment complex, to the rental office, and to my mailbox. I realized a few things:
- the air smells beautiful before 7am (now 8am)
- I never walk anywhere
- my son and I need to bond doing things HE likes to do - like walking
- I need to lose between 110 - 150 lbs
Ok, so I guess the solution to all of the above (including my getting some fresh air) is obvious. Although my schedule isn't. Can my son & I get up every morning before his 7AM bus stop call & walk for at least 20 minutes? He has the energy - and I have a need...
OK, let me be honest - after a 7:15 - 9:45PM class I'm making excuses in the AM. I can't even lie. But since I've noticed that this is normally due to my 10:15PM after-class dinner, I also know this has more to do with my lethargic digestion than an actual physical tiredness.
All I can do is try - and take one baby step at a time.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
the pre-surgery drama. the surgery. the aftermath.
the drama:: JC promised me he would be there with me through my surgery on 04/01/03. JC called me Monday 03/31/03, voice 2 octaves higher than normal, voice cracking, congested, coughing "I feel horrible, I'm coughing up blood, I'm sweating..I don't know what's wrong...but I'm trying to get myself together to take you to the hospital tomorrow..." then began hacking once again. Yes, quite honestly, I was PISSED TO THE HIGHEST SENSE OF PISSITIVITY. Okay, now that I got that out - I never ask him to do things for me. He's got a lot going on, I'm trying to be understanding about this, but still. I have a limit. Anyway, I never tell him I'm pissed - I just fuss at him for not taking care of himself, tell him I'll make other arrangements to get to my surgery, and tell him to get his a$$ to the Dr. I spend the rest of the day, going through my phonebook trying to find someone to take me. Kay can't go, her son's been ill - if she takes off anymore time from work - I don't want that on my head. Sadat has interviews lined up - he can take me, but then he needs to take my car solo(his license is suspended) which is a no-no. Jon's not answering his cellphone - as usual. Gil, well - Gil's status has changed from friend to associate - which is the subject of another blog. He's undependable. I was frustrated to the point of tears. I called the babydaddy against my best judgement - and of course, he''ll do it - secretly I still think he's pining...which is such a waste.... Meanwhile, I'm in tears - nobody cares, it's the night before my surgery, I'm alone and I feel horrible. I allowed myself a pre-surgical pity party.
the surgery:: get to the hospital at 5:30 am, pretty uneventfully - the babydaddy's on his best supportive behavior. By 6:15, I'm laying on a stretcher, in a hospital gown, high on a 'relaxer' that the nurse described as 'similar to valium'. It was pretty good
. At 7AM, they roll me into the Operating Room, get me situated on this narrow operating table, cover me with warm blankets - NOTE: WHEN YOU'RE HIGH AS HELL, AND IN A COLD OR ---> WARM BLANKETS ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING, INCLUDING SEX!!!!!. Ok, back to my story - they give me oxygen & the anesthesiologist makes a joke about me going to sleep - nexy thing I know it's 10AM, I'm in recovery and its over. I can't stay awake for shyt - so every 15 minutes or so (typically when the nurses come to f%^& with me) I realize that time is passing. At 11:15, my nurse gets on the phone, and (in a somewhat hostile voice) calls my Dr, and asks him if I can go - I'm awake now, 'cause she seems a lil peeved. She gets the run around for another 15, then the Dr calls & gives her the ok to release me. They wheel me over to PACU (patient after-care unit), finally give me something to drink, call the babydaddy to come bring my clothes, I get dressed and am outta there at 12noon. Not bad.
the aftermath:: the world is BRIGHT. On the ride home, we stopped at CVS for ginger ale & advil, then Publix for more ginger ale. I was in the car for maybe 45-60 minutes, and I swear I thought I was gonna die - sitting in the HOT, BRIGHT SUN (it was only like 65 degrees) and I had on all black - I knew I was gonna die. We went home, I immediately took off my shirt (in front of the babydaddy - I was not caring by then), and passed out on the couch for like 2 hours. I think Chaos brought me a tank top - worried about my semi-naked state in front of my ex - the babydaddy. I'm bleeding, but not super-heavily like I was before the surgery. Stomach's cramping, but the Advil's taking care of it. I'm just out of it - so I drift in & out of consciousness between 12:30 and about 5ish. By then, I'm still a lil goofy, but I can stay awake for more than 30 minutes - so I eat some soup. By the time American Idol came on - I felt ok.
Today - my throat hurts...not to be trife, but if you've ever given head to a guy with a porno-dyck (Kay's word) then you know EXACTLY what my throat feels like. I'd feel better about the sore throat if I'd actually EARNED it. The nurse said they inserted a tube in my throat while I was out - thanks for telling me THAT beforehand. I'm drinking some chamomile tea. If it doesn't feel better by tomorrow - I'll go back to the Dr.
the drama:: JC promised me he would be there with me through my surgery on 04/01/03. JC called me Monday 03/31/03, voice 2 octaves higher than normal, voice cracking, congested, coughing "I feel horrible, I'm coughing up blood, I'm sweating..I don't know what's wrong...but I'm trying to get myself together to take you to the hospital tomorrow..." then began hacking once again. Yes, quite honestly, I was PISSED TO THE HIGHEST SENSE OF PISSITIVITY. Okay, now that I got that out - I never ask him to do things for me. He's got a lot going on, I'm trying to be understanding about this, but still. I have a limit. Anyway, I never tell him I'm pissed - I just fuss at him for not taking care of himself, tell him I'll make other arrangements to get to my surgery, and tell him to get his a$$ to the Dr. I spend the rest of the day, going through my phonebook trying to find someone to take me. Kay can't go, her son's been ill - if she takes off anymore time from work - I don't want that on my head. Sadat has interviews lined up - he can take me, but then he needs to take my car solo(his license is suspended) which is a no-no. Jon's not answering his cellphone - as usual. Gil, well - Gil's status has changed from friend to associate - which is the subject of another blog. He's undependable. I was frustrated to the point of tears. I called the babydaddy against my best judgement - and of course, he''ll do it - secretly I still think he's pining...which is such a waste.... Meanwhile, I'm in tears - nobody cares, it's the night before my surgery, I'm alone and I feel horrible. I allowed myself a pre-surgical pity party.
the surgery:: get to the hospital at 5:30 am, pretty uneventfully - the babydaddy's on his best supportive behavior. By 6:15, I'm laying on a stretcher, in a hospital gown, high on a 'relaxer' that the nurse described as 'similar to valium'. It was pretty good
. At 7AM, they roll me into the Operating Room, get me situated on this narrow operating table, cover me with warm blankets - NOTE: WHEN YOU'RE HIGH AS HELL, AND IN A COLD OR ---> WARM BLANKETS ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING, INCLUDING SEX!!!!!. Ok, back to my story - they give me oxygen & the anesthesiologist makes a joke about me going to sleep - nexy thing I know it's 10AM, I'm in recovery and its over. I can't stay awake for shyt - so every 15 minutes or so (typically when the nurses come to f%^& with me) I realize that time is passing. At 11:15, my nurse gets on the phone, and (in a somewhat hostile voice) calls my Dr, and asks him if I can go - I'm awake now, 'cause she seems a lil peeved. She gets the run around for another 15, then the Dr calls & gives her the ok to release me. They wheel me over to PACU (patient after-care unit), finally give me something to drink, call the babydaddy to come bring my clothes, I get dressed and am outta there at 12noon. Not bad.
the aftermath:: the world is BRIGHT. On the ride home, we stopped at CVS for ginger ale & advil, then Publix for more ginger ale. I was in the car for maybe 45-60 minutes, and I swear I thought I was gonna die - sitting in the HOT, BRIGHT SUN (it was only like 65 degrees) and I had on all black - I knew I was gonna die. We went home, I immediately took off my shirt (in front of the babydaddy - I was not caring by then), and passed out on the couch for like 2 hours. I think Chaos brought me a tank top - worried about my semi-naked state in front of my ex - the babydaddy. I'm bleeding, but not super-heavily like I was before the surgery. Stomach's cramping, but the Advil's taking care of it. I'm just out of it - so I drift in & out of consciousness between 12:30 and about 5ish. By then, I'm still a lil goofy, but I can stay awake for more than 30 minutes - so I eat some soup. By the time American Idol came on - I felt ok.
Today - my throat hurts...not to be trife, but if you've ever given head to a guy with a porno-dyck (Kay's word) then you know EXACTLY what my throat feels like. I'd feel better about the sore throat if I'd actually EARNED it. The nurse said they inserted a tube in my throat while I was out - thanks for telling me THAT beforehand. I'm drinking some chamomile tea. If it doesn't feel better by tomorrow - I'll go back to the Dr.
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